Lack of communication about sex will cause fights in a marriage – I know from experience. Fighting about sex used to happen often for my husband and I. One of us would want sex, not realizing the other didn’t. By the time we got in bed, the one who wanted sex would realize it wasn’t happening. It could make either of us feel frustrated, rejected and disappointed. We’d go to bed annoyed at each other, instead of moving past the argument.
We were fighting about sex
For us, fighting about sex wasn’t about the sex. It wasn’t about wanting to have more sex. It was about those feelings of rejection. If I wasn’t in the mood, I would nonchalantly brush-off his attempts because I didn’t want to harshly shut him down. But, my actions didn’t necessarily say, “It’s not happening.” To him, it could still happen. He’d continue the evening with high hopes and secret excitement – only for me to turn him down at bedtime. And waiting hours to give the red light is frustrating and more disappointing. This situation could flip with both of us playing either role.
How we stopped fighting about sex
We wanted to figure out how to not fight about sex. We wanted a way to communicate our moods to avoid those feelings of rejection and frustration. So, that’s exactly what we did. We decided we would tell each other when we weren’t down for sex. Straight-forward, no beating around the bush.
We began telling each other when we first realized we weren’t feeling sexual. We’d just say something simple and to the point, like, “I don’t think I’m in the mood tonight.” If the other showed disappointment, we’d remind each other that we agreed to communicate these things. Immediately, we’d be on the same page. We could continue with our day or evening. And, if sex ended up happening after all, great! But neither party was left hoping for something was never realistic in the other’s mind.
To take it step further, we also introduced a sex candle into the bedroom. We’d light this candle as a signal we were down to play. It served as a subtle hint of intent to the other, and it worked well.
Sex is typically always on the table in our marriage – unless someone’s sick, ate too much, etc. But just because it’s on the table doesn’t mean it always happens. That’s why it’s important that we communicate when we’re not feeling in the mood. (Because if he doesn’t want to have sex me with me, I’ll go ahead and eat four extra chocolates, and put on that smelly, hour-long face mask. Just being real.)
Is it still a bummer when you’re hoping for sex, and your spouse says they’re tired and not feeling it? Of course! But, you don’t feel rejected or frustrated. Just a little disappointed – which is nothing a few kisses and some snuggling can’t cure.
What about you? Have you and your spouse experienced the same miscommunication? How do you handle a situation when you want sex and your spouse doesn’t? Share with me in the comments below!