I think there are two types of maintenance sex. There’s the kind where you don’t feel like having sex, but you do it anyways for your partner. And, the kind where it’s been a while since you’ve had sex, and you just need to bang one out to get back into the groove.
I used to do the former, but I don’t anymore.
Why I don’t have sex just because my husband wants to
Have you ever wondered if you should have sex just because your partner wants to? I used to have sex with my husband even if I didn’t really feel like it. My thought process was that I knew I’d be into once we started, so I should just go with it. You know, lots of women talk about how if you’re tired, you should just do it anyways. What’s the harm, right?
I was talking about this with a girlfriend, and I filled my husband in on the conversation. He was confused. He said, “You have sex with me even if you’re not in the mood?”
I said, “Well, I always get into the mood after we start. But, yeah, I guess so.”
And, then he said that he didn’t want me to have sex just because I thought he wanted to. So, I haven’t had sex for his sake since. That was about a year ago.
I didn’t feel bad to not have sex if he tried to initiate it. I suppose I just thought, “why not?” But, my husband made a good point. The “why not” is because I’m not in the mood. We don’t have to get me in the mood just because he’s in the mood – we can just not have sex.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I turn him down sometimes, too. Neither of us feel too bad for turning the other down because we try to communicate transparently about sex. In fact, recently it had been a few days since we’d had sex. We got in bed that night and said, “Damn, we didn’t have sex tonight again.” Then he said, “Oh well, I don’t have to have sex with you to love you.” I agreed. We kissed, snuggled and fell asleep.
Love aside, sex does make us aligned with each other.
Why I do have sex to get back into the groove
My mom gave me an excellent piece of sexual wisdom: The more you have sex, the more you want it. And, on the other hand, the less you have sex, the less you want it. It’s so true!
If for some reason we don’t have sex for a few days – due to disconnect, sickness, tiredness, my period, etc. – I realize that the clock is ticking. The longer we go without sex, the less I’m going to be excited to do it, and the longer we’ll go without it. So, after a few days of no sex, I’ll either put on the charm and tell him we should go have sex or I’ll just initiate the act. Or, I’ll go along with his initiation of the act.
This is somewhat like the situation I described above, but not fully. In this situation, I’m not having sex because my husband wants to. I’m having sex because I want to. Sure, I may not be having sex because my body is craving it in the moment, but I’m having sex because I know my body needs it.
I am a happier person and feel more connected to my husband when we have sex regularly. When we do have sex regularly, I daydream about it until we can do it again. I look forward to it, and I initiate it more often because it’s fun and enjoyable. But, I need to have sex often to be reminded of how fun it is. So yes, sex with my husband is a priority because it makes me happy, relaxed and feeling super aligned with my husband.
But, if he’s wanting sex, and I’m not feeling it, I’m out. Every man for himself! 😉