Not feeling into sex? Ask yourself these questions.

i don't feel like having sex with my husbandJust like all things in life, sex drive ebbs and flows. Some weeks I’m super into sex, and other weeks I don’t feel like having sex at all. But, I know one thing for sure – my sex drive is affected by my feelings. And, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say yours is too, even if you don’t realize it.


One of the women in the community messaged me once saying she hadn’t been into sex with her partner recently. She said she must just have a low sex drive and that her husband wants more sex than she does. But, once we started chatting, she started to see there were a lot of feelings affecting her sex drive, resulting in her low libido. (I’m no expert, it’s common sense!)


So, when you realize you’re not into sex, don’t just go into a full blown dry spell. Ask yourself these questions:


Have we left arguments unsettled?

Brushing issues under the rug will kill your sex drive in marriage. As soon as you leave an argument unresolved, resentment starts to fester. The resentment will come out in your words and actions, fuel your partner’s words and actions, and then the cycle continues. Whether an issue wasn’t resolved four days ago or four years ago, make it a point to share your feelings and truly put the issue to bed. (Then you can take your partner to bed.) 😉


Do I feel like my partner needs to show more affection?

I know my libido falls when my husband doesn’t show affection to me as much as I’d like. That affection is part of what makes me feel connected and seen. I do think my husband is naturally more affectionate when we’re having sex often. But, I need the affection to want sex often. That’s another cycle. So, if you feel like you’re not getting enough affection, tell your spouse. But you, too, must hand out affection to receive it.


Do I feel like my partner isn’t putting in enough effort?  

It never fails that I have zero interest in sex when I feel like Jake isn’t putting in effort somewhere. For example, sometimes I don’t think he’s putting in as much effort into house chores as I am. I think about all the chores that need to be done, when I’m going to do them and why my husband isn’t thinking about them, too. I start getting resentful. Consequently, I’m not into sex. When I start feeling this way, I try to tell him he needs to step up his housework game, and he typically does. So, whether you feel like your partner isn’t putting enough effort in around the house or with the kids, you need to voice those opinions (in a calm, loving manner of course).


Am I putting enough effort into the relationship?

The moment you stop putting your best foot forward in your relationship, your partner does too. If you’ve been putting in less effort, you could be the reason you’re not into sex. Put in your best effort, and you’ll get it in return. And, it will probably lead to good sex.


Am I taking care of myself?

The way I treat my body dictates if I’ll be in the mood for sex. If I’m eating well, I feel light and energetic. And, If I’m doing the small things that make me feel good each day, I’m more likely to initiate sex. However, eating poorly and doing the bare minimum to make myself feel confident completely affects my desire for sex.


Have we been arguing a lot?

Some people argue then have great make up sex. Some people argue, and it leads to picking tiny little fights constantly. If either of you are picking fights, there’s a reason for it – and it’s likely something on this list. Sit down together and figure out the root of your arguing. Talk it out. Understand each other. And, get passed it.


Is my period coming soon?

Sometimes I forget just how much my period affects my mindset each month. Everything my husband does or says is wrong. He doesn’t understand me. He’s not being nice enough to me. Yep, my period must be around the corner! If you’re period is near, it’s likely the reason for your decreased sex drive. You’ll like your honey in a few days, but until then, I suggest doing things to make your period suck less and to try to have some sex before you start bleeding.


Do I feel disconnected from my partner?

You can feel disconnected from your partner for a number of reasons. Maybe you haven’t had quality time recently or maybe it’s a combination of anything we already discussed here. But if you feel disconnected from your honey, you certainly aren’t going to want to have sex with them. Plan some time to relax and connect with no distractions.


Am I tired, stressed or busy?

Tiredness, stress and busyness push sex to the back burner every time. Stress and busyness allow other things to take over your thoughts. Even when you’re busy in a good way, your mind is preoccupied and excited, pushing sex aside. And, tiredness simply means you’ll choose sleep over a roll in the sack. So, if you’ve been tired, stressed or busy, figure out what’s causing it and how you can free up some mind space for your partner.


Your sex drive doesn’t just disappear. It starts to fade because something makes you not feel into sex. Then, it comes back when those feelings change.

The next time you start wondering what’s wrong with your sex drive, don’t. It’s not you. It’s life. Assess your feelings and go from there.


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